This blog post is personal.

I have been around life and death all this year.  I'll be 48 this year and I just can't help but wonder where do I fit in this space and time.  They say, "Life is Fast!" - but it isn't for most.  Life can be hard, depressing, uplifting, fascinating, wonderful, mind blowing, confusing, dumbfounded, inspiring, loving, filled with anxiety, and most importantly self fulfilling or self loathed.   So many of these things happened to me just this year.

I'm exhausted.  I'm emotionally drained yet super charged to share this post with you.  
I truly believe that life is either what happens TO you or what you CREATE for yourself.
Both of these options are equally hard to deal with.  When I'm dealing with life happening TO me...I'm confused, angry, hopeless and depressed.  When I create the life I want I find myself working so hard in fear to protect what I created, so I still lose sleep, I'm still anxious and I can never enjoy the moment long enough because I have to create the same if not better every day.

The one common factor of both situations is money.  Life is so depressing when you NEED the money and can't figure out how to fix it. When I have money I love that relaxed feeling of bills are paid and I'm not losing sleep over the next job that may or may not come through the door. When I have money I love helping others.  
Money is the one drug that always needs a fix or has you on such a high for life it feels unstoppable.  

Life and death. Life is for you to DO something amazing in this world for yourself and others to benefit from.  Death is something your loved ones have to deal with for the rest of their lives. Whether you live or die...you affect someone else somehow...some way. 

I choose to create a life my children can become because it's all they know.  They only know love and support from all angles of the family.  My children do not know hate, segregation, white privilege or any other negative thing you see on the news as if we are all rolled into one grouping.  My children know compassion, self awareness, kindness to others, self gratification from hard work ethics and most importantly love.  They see Elizabeth and I love each other.  They see the hurt and the pain of life and how it affects me and Elizabeth, but they also see how we get through it together. 

I'm typing this post as I think of the words, so forgive me if the context or spelling isn't spot on. In a world of everyone wants to be PERFECT...I just wanna be me ya know. You the reader deserve something real from someone who is going through the exact same thing you are.  Life and death.  Both are painful. Live today as if there is no tomorrow.  How would you be remembered from your actions today?